...Pants on Fire!  By Eileen Carry

Once upon a time I met this groovy gal pal who was walking down the street. She had on these funkster geek snakeskin pointy toed cowboy boots-thought she might be a country singer or something, 'cuz who would wear florescent green booty boots out in the daylight for the straight blue pill world to see? Anyway, so, as I was saying, this groovy girl gal and I became sudden pals only I really liked her more than a girl should like a girl and this like scared me out of my dark-unlit-never-been-opened-before closet door. Try as I might to run back inside and hide, I never could get that door closed back right tight 'cuz that pink light just kept coming in and shining itself on me!

Every time I would hear her voice or see her face my whole body shook the electric night light spastic fantastic. Never felt anything like that before. But sure enough, we would talk and walk and walk and talk and laugh like it was no bodies business-which it wasn't- but inside of me, a big heart swell like a surfer dude wave welled up and I just wanted to kiss her smack dab on those plucky pucky big full lips of hers. I don’t know if she ever wanted to kiss me back though 'cuz I never asked her.

Instead, I lied to every body I knew about her telling them she was a flaming flamingo lesbian lizard, hoping no one would dare to discover that I secretly liked her in that way that people say is bad and not good and they punish and ostracize you for. So I lied and lied and one day when she came to see me to talk about some problems she was having I talked to her nice and listened to her talk- sounded like she was in a bit of a fit and needed some real bona fide help from me, but I couldn't tell her that I couldn't help her 'cuz I was frozen like an ice cream cone fresh scooped from the Baskin Robbin 31!

Instead I told her to call me on the phone the next day and maybe we could talk. But instead of talking to her on the phone I called on my baldy bald old manly man and lied and lied and fanned the hate flames and I lied some more and pushed his flaming faggot hating bigot buttons so he would get his cop body buddies riled up into a save-the-princess frenzy.

They formed a pot bellied police posse and went riding off into the sunset to hunt down and lynch this pink girly girl the way it’s done in the south- “the southern way” we like to say, and everyone laughs because everyone knows what it means, only now we can't do it to the black people anymore so we just pick on the pink people and it seems even the big government is on our side these days.

When the big n’ tall guy with the ten gallon hat spotted her and saw a tiny little harmless girl who seemed nice enough and didn't look like she had any homo-pink in her at all-truth is he got a woody just lookin' at her-he saw she wasn't any kind of a threat and decided not to rile the troops anymore and turned the poison posse round and sent them on home.

Well, the next day when I was expecting her to call, I had the posse already rounded up because I wanted to be the princess-that-gets-saved-and-protected no matter who gets hurt or how-and when she called, just like I asked her to, I had the posse there to take the call and then we all ran down to the cop shop and I lied under oath saying a false truth to get the magistrate to sign the paper that would warrant her right now, right now without delay and on this day I had her put under arrest-just for making that one phone call.

Though, nobody talked because nobody answered the phone. She called and it rang and it rang and she hung up and I got her arrested for that.

She didn’t really break the law, but you can’t tell that to the Southern Comfort drinking cops down here. They believe me 'cuz my pin headed baldy bald old daddy dad is on their team.

Now I get to persecute and prosecute this pink groovy gal pal so I can feel better and bigger about myself and not so small and shakin’ in my not so straight smaller than small little southern town world.

After a while I started to think about it
and remembering how nice she has always been to me
and always saying kind things to me
and never ever been mean to me
and I thought maybe I shouldn’t do it to her like this, so mean of me
so I called her on the telephone. Left my name false twice you see,
didn't want anyone to know it was me,
saying get in touch with me,
with urgency-
it's an emergency!!

She never did answer 'cuz she already had that lynch rope tied right tight around her lily white pink-homo neck and they was getting ready to kick the horse out from under her.

All this because I liked a girl and I could not tell the truth...

Kick the horse or cut the rope?